


Watching

by Dweo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-03
Updated: 2013-01-03
Packaged: 2017-11-23 13:01:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/622409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dweo/pseuds/Dweo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The events in the Department of Mystery leave Albus Dumbledore with the broken pieces of the past year. Before he really starts cleaning up he has a conversation with his reluctant Potion-master about hate and consequences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Watching

I watch Albus slowly pick up the remains of his possessions, which are scattered around his office after Harry left. Harry really knows how to throw a tantrum; most of Albus's priced artefacts are destroyed. I wonder if Harry knows how valuable those artefacts were and I wonder if Albus will repair them. Somehow I just know he will keep them as a reminder of the mistakes he made. And he made many, spread over a long lifetime, insignificant ones and monumental ones. He is not infallible, as many seem to think, not the great, omniscient wizard. And he knows he may have made the biggest mistake on that faithful Halloween night all those years ago. What happened last night proved this again.

A knock wakes us both out of our thoughts, the door to his office opens slowly and a dark-clad man walks in tentatively. He is one of the other monumental mistake Albus made in his life, he shoved the man away when he needed Albus the most and even though he came back the damage may be beyond repair. Albus knows this now and it weighs down his heart. Not many people know this, most of them see Albus as the perpetual smiling wizard, but they cannot see his true dept.

There are not many people who can read Albus, really read him; Harry saw a small glimpse of the pain and weakness Albus hides. He does not realise yet, how rare and valuable that glimpse was. I, however, can read Albus with pinpoint precision; I have seen him without walls, barriers.

I have seen him as the man he really is. Albus is weak, just like every other man or woman, he just does not allow himself to show it. He has put the walls back up the moment Severus Snape walks in.

"Welcome Severus, I was just cleaning up." Albus says while he picks up the last scraps of silver, Severus looks around a little surprised at the emptiness of the normally cluttered office. He does not commentate on it however; he just walks to a chair purposely instead. He remains standing until Albus gestured for him to sit down and Albus sits down himself. No matter how curious, anger or desperate Severus is, he still remembers his upbringing, respect your elders and wait until they allow you to sit.

"You probably wonder what happened last night." Albus starts while he holds out his bowl with lemon sherbets, Severus ignores the bowl as always.

"Yes, those five students returning from the Ministry didn't know anything, except that Potter wasn't there with them and that somebody died." Severus spats out the name Potter, even in these desperate times he cannot control his hatred for everything Potter. Then I see something in the Potions Master's posture I do not see often. I can sense tension, but what creates it is not clear. It could be anger, hate, but then again they are normal feelings for Severus and would not make him so tense. Then the realisation hits me, it is both fear and worry. He suspects what Harry's destiny will be and he knows that if Harry died last night the war might very well be lost.

"Harry is alive, Severus," these words make the tension leave Severus body in a sigh, but his relieve is short lived. "But I don't know for how long, I'm afraid he is dying slowly." Every ounce of tension returns plus some.

"What do you mean Albus?" Severus tries so hard to remain calm, but there is a small trace of panic seeping through his pose. His mind is probably going over every piece of Dark magic that kills slowly and often extremely painfully, starting by his beloved potions.

"Sirius died last night." The words hit Severus like a Bludger, for a few short seconds there is no reaction and then it happens. I cannot see his face but the joy, the delight, the glee that is radiating of Severus's back is overwhelming. Gone is all the worry and fear, there is only happiness. I can see Albus's face however and the cold mask that slips on there does not bear anything good for Severus. They say that those sorted into Gryffindor house wear their emotions too boldly on their sleeve, but you Severus, my friend, wear it for the whole world to see. And the world is not going to like it.

"Severus, may I remind you that no matter how you feel, people are grieving and hurting over his death. It would not be wise to show your happiness so openly." These words do not change Severus's stance, but the next words do. "Especially when you are partly responsible for his death." It is a miracle how fast a person can change from happiness to rage in mere moments. Severus leaves the chair like he is bitten and takes a few steps back, his hands clenched into fists. He does not say a word, probably because he is lost for them.

"Sit down Severus." The cold in Albus's voice makes even my spine tingle, the temperature in the room seems to drop below zero and Severus sits down. Not because he wants to, but because that voice does not stand opposition of any kind.

"Why did you stop teaching Occlumency, Severus?" Albus asks, looking him straight in the eyes.

"Potter," again the same bitter hatred, "desecrated my privacy, Albus," the words sound hard, suppressed with rage, but at the same time desperate. Desperate for Albus to not ask any further, desperate for Albus to believe him and punish Harry.

"Yes, I heard, but you also were desecrating his privacy, Severus." Still the same cold. "You spend every session watching his worst nightmares, his best-kept secrets. You never offered him the safety of the Pensive. What Harry did was wrong without doubt." These last words make Severus react with surprise, he had not expected that Albus would ever admit that Harry had been wrong.

"It is one of Harry's biggest faults, he is too curious for his own good, but doesn't know how to ask for the answers. I told him before to be careful with that curiosity. I know you value your privacy above all, but that doesn't explain your reaction. What did he see, Severus, that was so terrible?" The last question was asked softly and kindly, the temperature in the room seemed to return to normal levels. The change is so suddenly that Severus cannot stop himself from trembling as he says only one word.

"Owls."

I wonder shortly what on earth birds have to do with anything, when I see the realization dawn on Albus's face.

"Talk Severus, you always refuse to talk about it. What makes that memory so bad, it is not the worst they did to you." The scene in front of me reminds so much of a similar one, more than 15 years ago. Albus the Forgiver and Severus the Penitent meet each other again, after many years. The desperation radiating of Severus shoulders is so strong I feel sorry for him. Those four Gryffindors hurt him so much and he will never be free from them.

"I called her Mudblood," those four words were whispered. "She tried to stop them and I called her Mudblood." Albus looks curious at him. It had been a normal occurrence, Pure-Blood Wizards would often use that word, so I wondered what made this one different.

"When I look back, this is the moment I vowed to myself I would get revenge on Potter and his friends. This was the moment I decided that I would be on the other side of Potter. It didn't matter that I was worried about joining The Dark Lord before, I knew he could give me a way to revenge myself on Potter." It still surprises me how a name can put fear into a person, Tom has trained his followers and his enemies perfectly. The few that are not afraid of his name realise that using his name removes a part of his power.

"The fact that I was defended by a Muggleborn student made me hate Muggleborns, before they where nothing more than uninteresting speck of dirt on the honour of those with purer blood. After that they became the source of the problem."

"I decided to join the Dark Lord because I could kill two birds with one stone. I could remove all Muggleborns and I could destroy Potter." Severus did not look at Albus, shame was clear in his voice. "But I hated it from the start, I made a wrong decision the Dark Lord could not help me with the revenge I needed, it showed me that Muggles and Muggleborns are not the source of everything. The incident during the Owls is the point that defined the rest of my life, that is why I'm so angry at Potter watching." I realise what memory was so bad for Severus, it was the memory of hanging upside down from a tree during his OWL exams. James Potter and Sirius Black both got a detention, but Severus got two, one for the use of a banned curse and the other for the use of the name Mudblood.

Severus simply looks at Albus, waiting for him to comment. They have discussed Severus reason for joining Voldemort more times than I care to remember, they both know there is nothing they can change. If there were a minute chance, they would probably take that chance with both hands.

"Severus, I owe you a wizard-debt, you saved my life once and besides I have seen what being a Death Eater did to you." Albus lowers his defences completely. He knows he has to reassure Severus, show him he is important to him personally. To show that Albus was the one who made the first mistake by ignoring Severus's needs when he was a student and came to him for protection. But Albus also needs to show that no matter what Severus did in the past, it is his current actions that count and currently he is disappointing Albus.

"I trust you beyond a shadow of a doubt Severus, I know you will never return to Voldemort." Severus flinches at the name of his former master. "But you did disappoint me, I have said before and I will say again, you have to learn to look beyond the hate and the hurt. As long as you don't leave the past behind you, you will never be happy. Your behaviour doesn't only hurt you; those around you get hurt too. You hurt me. I wish you would let other people in, show other people what a wonderful person you can be." Severus snorts softly at these words, clearly disagreeing with Albus.

"I know you are a brave and loyal wizard. You are a good chess player and a dreadful Gobstone player. You have a wicked sense of humour and you secretly laughed at some of the jokes the Weasley twins pulled. You used to hate flying, but now you love it. You own a Firebolt, despite the fact that Harry also owns one, which you fly when you think nobody can see you. Minerva and you bet on every Quidditch game but never with money. And unlike most people seem to think, you are capable of love. You love Selena with your whole heart and your behaviour hurts her. She misses you badly." At the mention of Selena's name Severus blanches. Selena, the reason he left Tom. I already know what his next words will be.

"You leave Selena alone," Severus sounds angry, "Selena has nothing to do with the Order, let her play Quidditch, let her enjoy her live." Albus puts his hand up.

"Severus please, it is Selena's choice whether she wants to join us or not, it is not yours. And we are here to discuss your behaviour towards Harry." All Severus does is give small nod, clearly rather being anywhere else but here and discus anything else but that. He knows Albus wants a reason for his behaviour and Severus knows Albus is not going to like it.

"Severus I understand why James's actions hurt you, but why can't you leave that hurt behind, instead of taking it out on Harry?" Albus asks.

"You want to know why I hate Harry Potter?" Again the hatred at the name Potter. "You ask every year, but no answer I give will satisfy you. But you still want to know why, I will tell you why." Severus has become defiant, he knows he will lose, but he is going down fighting.

"He is not his father." These words were met with silence, even Albus does not know how to reply to this statement.

"Do you know what happened to me five years ago? I see my biggest nightmare walk in to the school I looked at Potter and I saw his father. The way he looked, the way he moved, the sound of his voice, and for the first time I could take revenge for every thing that his father did to me. For the first time I had the upper hand. I loved humiliating him his first lesson. But I found out fast he isn't a second James. I saw somebody else, a scared boy, a boy who is different, but wants to fit in. Slowly I started to realize he is more like me than like his father. He doesn't have the perfect family; he is not the best in everything without effort. The satisfaction of being the stronger one is lost; his father will always be the winner. He took away the only change I had for revenge. He is arrogant like his father. He is also impertinent, gets away with more than anybody else and rules don't apply to him. He is self-centred, lazy, but I must admit most boys his age are. He also has seen more than somebody his age should have. He has succeeded where I failed, people like him because of who he is inside. He has friends who would die for him. He has grown beyond the bad childhood and he hasn't let the darkness and hate take him over. I never could do that and that is why I hate him perhaps even more than I hate his father."

Severus is sitting, watching Albus in silence. Albus looks thoughtfully at his Potion-Master, "Severus, I can't change your feelings towards Harry, all I can ask of you is to never let your hatred interfere with your job again. Your failure to teach Harry Occlumency is the indirect reason Sirius is dead."

"If Potter hadn't desecrated my privacy, I would not have stopped. But Potter wasn't making any effort anyway, so I don't think he will ever learn it." The words still radiate hatred and Severus will not take his part of the blame. He will never admit that he made a mistake regarding Harry.

"Have you ever wondered why Harry couldn't do it?" Albus asks. I can see he is becoming desperate, he knows he will never be able to change Severus attitude towards Harry, but he will keep trying.

"No." The answer is cold and indifferent.

"His hate stopped him from doing his best. Harry doesn't trust you, that is why he never thought about you at the moment he should have. Besides he had a constant headache since you started teaching him, which increased his distrust even more. And you never once wondered why he didn't make any progress. No matter what you think of him, he should have been able to close his mind enough within a couple of weeks. But he didn't make any progress, quit the opposite actually."

Severus folds his arms in front of him; he closes himself off from Albus. I know this behaviour, I have seen it before, it means Albus will not get anywhere with him today. Albus leans back in his chair, the resignation radiates from him. He will never give up and I sometimes wonder if he will ever win this battle and Severus will be a good behaving part of society. I think Albus will be disappointed deep in his heart if he would win. He wants Severus to be happy, but he will miss the mental battles they are fighting.

"Severus, we will continue this discussion again some other time. I want you to be careful. We can't loose you, I can't loose you." At these last words Albus lowers every one of his barriers and Severus recoils from the pain radiating of Albus. Unlike Harry, Severus knows what it means and it is more powerful than any words Albus could have used. Severus stands up and leaves, outwards calm and collective. His sneer is back in place and he looks perhaps a little more happier than he looked before. But deep inside he knows he has disappointed Albus and that will eat at him, because Severus hates noting more than disappointing Albus.

The doors close softly, Albus puts his head in his hands and I know Albus will need a Dreamless-Sleep Potion tonight. The nightmares will keep him awake otherwise. Nightmares of loosing both of them, probably the two pupils he loves the most. Several minutes pass by before he moves again. He stands up and walks to me.

"What do you think? Will it ever be over, will he ever be happy?" Albus looks at me, "you have been here since the beginning. So maybe you can answer that question."

"I have seen it all before, Albus," I reply, and it is the truth. I have seen it all before, I have seen more Dark Lords than I am willing to admit.

"They always lose in the end and Tom will be no exception. But before he is defeated, he will do a lot of damage." I look down on Albus

"Can I ask you a question? " Albus keeps his eyes on me.

"Of coarse, I am here to serve you." I reply courteously.

"I always wondered why you use first names for some persons and last names for most students and teachers." Albus looks curious, he does not ask many questions, but when he does it always is a world-shattering question. This one is too frivolous, to light hearted. I am stomped for a moment.

"I'm sorry if it is an impertinent question," Albus looks ready to leave.

"I am just a bit surprised, I am not used for you to ask those kind of questions. Usually you ask more important questions." I reply, a smile forming on my face. "The reason is simple, one word actually. Respect. You know Darkness you have seen it and know what it does. The same goes for Severus and Harry. All of you have fought the Darkness." Albus nods, I know he understands.

"What about Tom Riddle, he never fought Darkness. He embraced it." Albus always hits the mark precisely.

"I understand why he hates Muggles and I agree with his objective. I just do not agree with his ways. I hate Dark magic." Albus smiles, he knows how I despise Muggles, but he also knows I despise Tom's approach even more. I think Muggles are uninteresting. I think we just need to ignore them and they will ignore us. Tom's killings will draw attention to us. They will beat us down and destroy the Wizarding-world completely, simply because there are too many. For each wizard born, Muggleborn, Halfblood, Pureblood or Squib, at least 1000 Muggles are born.

"Albus, Tom is my blood and blood is thicker than water. I do not like him, but I will never call one of my blood by a Muggle-name. And I will never call him Lord Voldemort, he is not a Lord now nor will he ever be. He is just a stupid little boy who cannot handle the hate he has and lets that hate cloud his judgment.

Albus smiles, I sigh with relieve. I have missed that smile; it has been boring the last year, especially after Albus left.

"Thank you Salazar, you have always been one of my favourites." He replies while he walks to his private room and closes the door after a last nod. Sometimes I wish that I could do more, but the only thing I can do these days is wait and watch.

Forever waiting and watching.

 

**Author's Note:**

> A/N Selena can be anyone you want, a good friend or his girlfriend, but in my mind she always was his baby sister, a Ravenclaw and a brilliant professional chaser. The wizard debt involves some poison and a very difficult to brew antidote.


End file.
